Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I have fence marks all over my body
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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