i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
