I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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