your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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