his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
