i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
