A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
