I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
