Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
