i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
