I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
