omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
