Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
