Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
