Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
