mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
