Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
