remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
