Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
