I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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