I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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