two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
