On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
