my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
