I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize