When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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