The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
