life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
