Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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