he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize