4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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