I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
