So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Let's get the cat blown out
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
