My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
