Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
