awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
