I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
