i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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