I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
