This house was built for laser tag.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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