i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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