I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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