the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
