the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
