I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Houston, we have a squirter
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
