I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
