I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize