alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I have feelings that need drinking.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
