She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
