I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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