is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
