Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
