Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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