Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
