This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
