i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
