i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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