Got a toothbrush?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
even my farts smell like vagina
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
