Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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