You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
