even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
