i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
