Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
