Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
