I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
